Missed Opportunities in Life and Death

Today I received the most devastating news, my grandmother passed away...My family is devastated, our grandmother was a matriarch in our family someone who our family looked up. Or at least that is what I was told, the truth is I never met my grandmother. This was the woman that raised my mother. The one who molded her to be the women that she is.

I was never able to meet my grandmother because she lived in the country of Dominica. Dominica is a country in the West Indies and due to my schedule and lack of resources, I never made the trip.

The funny thing about memories is that they always seem to come from something, they come from shared experiences, from shared realities..The challenge I have with this situation is that I never was able to shape complete memories of her, I was never able to share my own experiences..

The grief my Mom and her side of the family feel must be unreal, must be heavy and yet I must admit I can't share those feelings with them.

In a weird way, my grief over this comes from a place where I can't share the grief with them, because I don't have memories with my grandmother.

Life is simply too short: Sometimes we are giving chances to reflect on the things we want to do and we are given time (whether short or long) to do those things. Last night before she passed, I told one of best friends that I need to go back home one day and see her.

The truth is, I said that ever 2-3 years, I said that I would go and never did. Now I missed my opportunity to know her. This is what I call a Missed Opportunity.

Many of us have gone through life, saying we will do this, or remarking that we will do that, but sometimes, we never take the chance...we never take the leap...and we are left with a missed opportunity and later regret. 

Today, has reminded me about this feeling...it has reminded me that there are plenty of things I want to do, plenty of things I need to see. Things that I will one day may regret. 

However, I also recognize that the beautiful thing about life is that no matter how much you accomplish, we as human beings will always push to do more, to be more and that life has only one true limit and that is time.

Therefore, regret to some extent is unavoidable because we can't do everything we want to do in life and therefore the best thing we can do is to live life to fullest, prioritize what we want to accomplish and take realistic steps to get there. 

The best thing we can do, is to create a list in our mind and prioritize that... Here is mine..(In no particular order.. yet :-) )

• Travel to the West Indies
• Make another trip to Canada
• Get Married...maybe have a kid or two...
• Become a President of a University
• Skydive
• Run the Amazing Race
• Learn how to Swim 
• Learn how to ride a bike
• Learn stick-shift

The list is endless, because in my life I'm always looking for the next thing to do. 

My Mother, the smallest lady there :)

I also like to believe that every person lives an imprint or impression on this world. My grandmother in life and in death left an impact on this world. One of the biggest way she did was raising my own mom. My mom, Hyma, is probably one of the sweetest people you would ever meet. She always puts the well being of others in front of herself. She is always willing to sacrifice for her family. My mom is one of the most amazing people I will ever know

In this way, my grandmother lives on within her and in this way, my mom is a living memory of the person my grandmother must have been. Traits like that come from the family you have and the influence they have on you. While I may never shared memories with my grandmother, I know my mom and in that way her memory lives on.

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Life is too short, but there are things we can do to value the time we have, prioritize what we want to do and ultimately value the people we love. 

I will live you with this post, which reflect a little of what I spoke about tonight..from Harry Potter.

“Do not pity the dead, Harry. Pity the living, and, above all those who live without love.”

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

The Journey of an Amazing Dean requires support!

RIP..First Apartment (13534)

A lot has happen over the past few days! I moved out of my first apartment and I couldn't have been happier. This was a big step in my life, for the first time, I felt I was beginning to transition into a new phase of my life..in many cases a fresh start. A lot has happen in my first apartment in queens. From earning my MBA to fostering life-long friendships to falling in love and out of love..This place was a significant part of my life, one that in someways I will miss..RIP 13534, let the memories live on in my head :-)

So now out with the old and in with the new..This past weekend I moved into my new place which is located in the heart of Forest Hills. It a much nicer location and one that I think will be a great place to open myself up to new experiences. I couldn't be happier.

Assistant Dean James, this guy is going around the world!

During my transition, I couldn't help but think about the people that truly were helping me through some of the personal problems I was going through. My Family, friends and even co-workers provide with a support system. The truth is as an Assistant Dean, I act as a support system for hundreds of students everyday, but the truth is that we all need that system. And I am no better...we sometimes try to be Superman but in hindsight, we all have weakness, we all have kryptonite.

It is in our darkest moments where we need our friends/family/co-workers to give us strength where we didn't have it before.

Before I commit to the Amazing Race, I need to understand completely who is my true support system, who can I put my faith in and who will be there with me right to the very end!

In Tyler Perry's, Madea goes to Jail, the lead character said something that I believe was insightful about who is your true support system... It goes like this...

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let - them - go!

Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are like leaves on a tree. When the wind blows, they're over there... wind blow that way they over here... they're unstable. When the seasons change they wither and die, they're gone. That's alright. Most people are like that, they're not there to do anything but take from the tree and give shade every now and then. That's all they can do. But don't get mad at people like that, that's who they are. That's all they were put on this earth to be. A leaf. 

Some people are like a branch on that tree. You have to be careful with those branches too, cause they'll fool you. They'll make you think they're a good friend and they're real strong but the minute you step out there on them, they'll break and leave you high and dry.

But if you find 2 or 3 people in your life that's like the roots at the bottom of that tree you are blessed. Those are the kind of people that aren't going nowhere. They aren't worried about being seen, nobody has to know that they know you, they don't have to know what they're doing for you but if those roots weren't there, that tree couldn't live. 

A tree could have a hundred million branches but it only takes a few roots down at the bottom to make sure that tree gets everything it needs. When you get some roots, hold on to them but the rest of it... just let it go. Let folks go."
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When I read these quotes from Madea and I have to be honest, they do seem profound and quite insightful. If we are the tree, then who are our leaves, that are unstable, our branches who can break and leave you high and dry and finally who are our roots that will always be there.

Recently I discovered a few people in my life that are branches..People that I thought would be my support system, but the minute things became hard or things had to become difficult they left me high and dry...

The truth is...It's Ok...because in the end I will forgive them, as I hope they can forgive me. In many ways, we tend to define people as twigs, but the truth is, perhaps we were twigs to one another. Sometimes we need to evolve and sometimes we need time to evolve.

Who are my Roots?

There are only a few people that I consider my roots... first my family..

Left to Right: Tiffany, Mom, Dad, Me, Aunt Annette, Aunt Daff, Aunt Lana

Lisa and Ethan

Growing up my family was always my base, they raised me from birth, they taught my values and ultimately made me the person I am today...They are also the people that when I have my challenges, they give me hope, they give me strength and they give me the will keep moving forward.

Beyond my family, I also have my friends.

Nick 

Adela and Janine

Far Right: Leighann

Nick, Adela, Janine, Leighann and Ebony (Not pictured) for over 7 years, these people have been a cornerstone of my life in college, and even beyond... while we were not always together, we were always there for one another and through everything that has happened, we have built lifelong bonds.

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Ultimately, I believe that my friends and family will be there to support me through anything including the race, they are my roots, but the final point that Madea makes which makes me think about who I know will be there to support me is the following..

"If somebody wants to walk out of your life, let - them - go!

Some people are meant to come into your life for a lifetime, some for only a season and you got to know which is which. And you're always messing up when you mix those seasonal people up with lifetime expectations.

Some people are meant to be there forever while others are only meant to be there for a season and we have to know which is which....These seasonal people are considered my leaves...


So before I embark on my journey to the race..my roots (my family and friends will be there to support me. An Amazing Dean needs support from Amazing people.

Who do I want to be?

Here is an interesting scenario..

Three men who recently passed away are presented with the opportunity to return to earth to live another life, but must first pass a judgement from God. 

God ask the first man, "Why should you return to earth?"

The first man replies: "..Because I will be person who will always be right!"

God walks away from that man..

He walks to the second man and ask: "Why should you return to earth?"

The second man replies:..."I want to the best person!"

God walks away from that man..

He walks to the third man and ask: "Why should you return to earth?"

The third man replies:..."I want to be a better person.."

God tells the third man..that he can return to earth...

In this scenario... being the better person was perhaps considered the simplest thing a person can do, but in this scenario it was also the most powerful thing one can do. 

While being right and being the best may seem to be admirable goals, do they unlock the greatest potential a person has...

If I tried to become the best person I can be, am I striving for continuous growth or rather is it  perfection? Am I pushing for a goal I can't obtain...

If I tried to be the one who is always right..am  I respecting the opinions and views of my fellow man or am I ignoring them for my own "sometimes" selfish views...

Ultimately, in this situation..I will always choose to be the better person...I accept that I am not a perfect person, nor am I always right...rather I know that I want to be the better person..I want to develop and change for the better and to recognize that I can be better. 

In this way I learn, I adapt, I change to survive...this is where I plateau for the greatest impact and where I expect to be. This is where I generate my impact. 

I'll Make a Man Out of You!

The overwhelming support for my quest to join the Amazing Race has been nothing sort of incredible. In just a few days, the support from my friends and family have been overwhelming. 

In a short time, my introductory video had pulled over 65 likes in a matter of  2 days!

On twitter, I have added 7 new followers, including Taye Diggs! (not sure how that happened but hey..)

Taye Diggs follows me now!

Today's post is reflection of the idea of  self transformation through admitting your faults, discovering your true strength and accepting your decisions and consequences.

Of course, I think from the title, you can imagine that all of the above refers to what I believe "is the transformation of when I boy becomes a man". The reference comes from a song from a Disney film.. Mulan. Its a great film and a great song you should check it out :)

Recently, I made the decision to move out of my apartment, in queens...It was not an easy decision to do that..it was one that was made at a time of great despair. I gave my landlord less than 2 weeks notice, under the impression that since I was out of lease for over two years that it would be ok and I would get my deposit back...

This was not the case, normally in NYC, we are suppose to give at least 30 days notice...My landlord felt that this wasn't enough time, so as a penalty, he was going to give me half of my deposit instead of the full.

I got angry.. I was mad because in my mind, I felt that with no lease, I was ok to do that...The truth is I was wrong and being unfair to them. I had also mentioned to them, that I would give them at least 20 days and I broke that agreement by abruptly leaving.

I remember yelling and making a big deal out of the situation. Blaming them, and others for this problem I was in now. I remember fighting myself about the situation. 

However in the end, I realize that there was no one else to blame but myself. I had made the decision in the end to choose to leave,early and to choose to not give the landlord enough time to find someone to take over the place. The whole situation from start to finish was a product of my decisions and I alone am to blame. 

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What do I take away from this?

There are a few lessons I learned from this experience. 

1. The decisions you make almost always consequences, accept them and embrace them... I had explained to the landlord that I would move in the best time for all parties. However when my situation changed, so did our agreement, and of course there would be consequences. The 1/2 deposit was in hindsight more than fair, there wasn't enough time for them to find someone to take over..in this case, we had to share the pain..

(There is some good news that came after this..so keep reading)

2. Your word is worth more than money.. I believe that keeping our word is probably the most important thing one can do. When I told my landlord that I would stay longer and didn't...a breach in a contract happen..Not just in the sense legally, but socially. Saying one thing and doing another will allow people to lose trust in you and that is worse than taking away money. I had worked hard to maintain a positive relationship especially with my first landlord.

3. Express yourself...It will help you to cope... We have a tendency to believe that self expression of negative emotions is a bad thing...I recently started to accept the fact that this is the healthiest way to deal with them..get them out as quickly as possible. This will help you with the final point...

4. Be a Man, accept your feelings and move on... We are not perfect people!, we all make mistakes, we all make bad decisions, accept that is ok to be mad or sad and begin the process of moving on from it. I think this quote sums up what you can do..

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So what happened in the end? 

I'm so excited!

After I was mad and let those feelings pass, I called the landlord, I wanted to apologize for my behavior to recognize that I was wrong to accept the penalty and to move on...

Turns out, the opposite happened..The landlord felt that after the 4 years of being a great tenant, he wanted to maintain a positive relationship and decided to give me 75% of my deposit and called it even.. I was excited, I felt that was more than fair. In this way, a lot of what I said helped me to move on and for me to still come out as a winner in the end..

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Final Thoughts? 

Don't cheat when becoming a Man ;-)

I looked back at this situation and recognize that there are things I should have done better, there are things I needed to do better. One day I would hope that my story could be used as a way for others to learn about what it takes to transform from a boy who blames everything on others to a Man that accepts the world for what it is.. 

This is a part of a wonderful transformation that I am choosing to make before my chance to run the amazing race #amazingrace. 

My all time favorite show..."How I Met Your Mother"

One day, I want to be able to look at my Kids..(if I have any) and tell them that their father, made some silly mistakes growing up, but it was also through those mistakes where he finally became a man and that those mistakes are important to make..

They will learn to be a man (woman) from me.

Thanks,

Kevin

The Amazing Dean Announcement!

Here is my announcement for my intention to apply for the Amazing Race! #amazingrace!

Challenges are meant to be conquered!

In life, we are all faced with unique and interesting challenges. Life usually presents us with a mountain to climb and ask us to conquer that. Or sometimes it presents us with a Hulk...:)



Either way sometimes we end up like this....


Of course what we realize is that it is never easy. Recently I was tasked with conquering one of the biggest challenges in my life...heartbreak. A few months ago, my ex broke up with me and it was one of the most difficult moments in my life.

Sometimes I feel like Loki here...beat up, exhausted and maybe a little frustrated, but sometimes life throws these challenges our way and sometimes we are just not ready to face them. We can have everything going for us, a great job, semi-good looks, a good family, a great home...but it can take that one impossible task to set us back. The one thing that will make us/remind us that we are only human. I realize that my greatest challenge so far in life is moving past this in the most healthy way.

I have a hard time learning the following..."I'm only human, I'm not perfect." In one of my earlier posts I had mentioned that I wanted to be the very best for the Amazing Race..., but in my opinion, being the very best isn't being perfect. One of my mentors once told me,

"true growth isn't demanding perfection, but rather insisting on continuous improvement"

I want to grow and become stronger, I want to move on in the best way possible and ultimately I want to compete on the Amazing Race. My development for the race starts in stages..

1. Mental Development
2. Spiritual Development
3. Physical Development

The first stage, begins now...its tackling the interpersonal problems I have in my life and finding the most healthy to deal with them.

How do we face our challenges?

This is the hardest question to answer but throughout my recent challenges I came up with a few suggestions. The first came from one of my best friends in the world...

Seek help, when you need it and accept help when you get it..

This is probably the hardest thing to do in life, whenever we are faced with our greatest challenges, we believe we have to face it alone...the truth is we are never truly alone..

Ask for help when you need it, because if you never ask you never get, and sometimes it's important to get out of your own way to reach your goals and challenges

The next piece of advice I received from another one of my close friends..

Be patient with yourself...

Sometimes we get frustrated when nothing goes right, we want to throw in the towel. But the truth is, growth is not meant to be easy, its not meant to be fast, it can take a lifetime to truly develop..and even if we think we have made it to the end of our development.

My final piece of advice is to...

Change your perceptions..

Sometimes a mountain can be a hill...its all about perception..It all about your attitude towards it. Making the conscious choice to change your perception is never easy, but I found out recently that there are a few concrete. ways of facing your own challenges.. (Credit: http://www.wikihow.com/Face-Challenges) 

In the end...no matter where we are in our lives, and where we going to be...Challenges are meant to be conquered! Now it's time to face mine and I hope that this post will help you to face yours..

Thanks, 

Kevin 

What an Amazing Dean can't do?

Good Morning,

For the past few days, I have been reflecting on what my biggest concerns are for the race and what I need to work on before I go on the race. These "fears" are things I want to

Overcome..
Be better at...



For starters, For example, I can't ride a bike..

SURPRISE!!
While I know that there are many people in this world that cant ride a bike, there is a still a small stigma about those who don't know how to ride a bike. In general for many adults it is a product of never learning or in general a fear of the mechanics of a bike. In fact I learned how to drive before I learned how to ride a bike. This summer I have signed up to take an adult learn to ride bike class. I hope to that this will allow me to master a bike in time for the race since on every edition of the race, someone has to ride a bike..

The next thing I need to overcome...I can't Swim...

I never learned how to Swim while I was growing up, for my family while we did travel to the beach every summer, there was a silly fear my parents had that the Coney Island waters were dangerous. In addition, I never knew about Community Pools, where I could learn. This summer and throughout the year, I plan to take swimming lessons! As I know I will need it. 

Finally...I can't drive Stick!

Stick Shift has always been something most people don't know to do. For me, I feel like its a requirement since most of the world using manual versus the United States.

Over the next few months, I will be documenting my progress on these things, so watch out! I will be become better and stronger...

Kevin 

My Journey as the Amazing Dean begins now..

My name is Kevin James, I'm 25 years old, I currently work as an Assistant Dean at St. John's University and I love my job.. For sometime now I have been thinking that its time for me to go beyond my comfort zone and to challenge myself to grow...emotionally, physically and spiritually. 

To create expectations for myself and to exceed those expectations in every way possible. I have for sometime being thinking of ways that I can do this...and eventually after hours of watching TV :-) , I came up with one way that I can attain this...

While I know The Amazing Race is a reality show at it's basic level...I see the race as an opportunity for me to become better and stronger. For the past few years, I have let my doubts/fears impede my growth. Now I want to challenge myself to become better and stronger..

Therefore, I make a pledge to train/prepare to apply for the race in one year...that means that this platform...this blog will be a medium where I will share my progress. 

While I can't guarantee that I would be selected to be apart of the Amazing Race in a future season...I want to use this blog/medium as a way to inspire people to achieve personal/professional growth by seeing me through my triumphs and through my falls.

Life is Journey...and the journey is just as important as the end (goal)...I want to take the next year to grow emotionally, spiritually and physically because ...

:-) I want to apply to the Amazing Race as the best "Kevin Tyrone James" I can be...therefore this is the medium where I document my Journey to "Be the Best"...

-Kevin